Parent pays kids to get dressed, do homework and more. Good decision?
EXCERPTS from I pay my kids to get dressed, do homework and more. It’s the best decision I ever made.
“Positive reinforcement is reinforcing a positive behavior with a positive response, which makes the behavior more likely to happen in the future,” says Lauren Mosback, a behavioral specialist. “That can look like anything from verbal praise and encouragement to offering a tangible reward.”
Learn the “language of the positive”
“First,” he said, “you did the damage with the word ‘didn’t.’ Next time, ask her, ‘What is that in your hand? How does it work? Can you show me?’ Ask questions to avoid saying she didn’t brush her hair. Every time she comes up with the right answer, you have an opportunity to say, ‘Great, that’s perfect.’ You set her up for three to four positives in a matter of seconds.”
Link to article: https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/2018/12/10/i-pay-my-kids-get-dressed-do-homework-more-its-best-decision-i-ever-made/?noredirect=on&utm_term=.6c9f077ba011
“Positive reinforcement is reinforcing a positive behavior with a positive response, which makes the behavior more likely to happen in the future,” says Lauren Mosback, a behavioral specialist. “That can look like anything from verbal praise and encouragement to offering a tangible reward.”
I do both. I praise my kids for a variety of simple things they do well and reward them with money for behaviors I’m shaping. For example, whenever my kids listen right away or do something well, I praise them. But I also use personalized responsibility charts so they can be at school on time. As they complete tasks, they check them off and earn money.
“One of the biggest concerns I hear from parents is,
‘Isn’t this bribery?’ ” says psychologist Cindy Graham. “Basically,
yes. But then I ask them how many adults will go and work out of the
kindness of their heart if they weren’t getting paid monetarily.
Reinforcement is built into who we are. It pays to go to work. We don’t
do it for free, even if society needs it. Kids are no different.”
Positive reinforcement can also work to eliminate attention-seeking behaviors (your child interrupting you while you are on the phone), avoidance behaviors (finding other things to do instead of getting ready for school), access demands (wanting a particular toy or to go out with friends) and even aggressive or violent behaviors.
“What often happens is that we inadvertently and
constantly reinforce all of the negative things — we point out what they
are doing wrong,” says psychologist Nicole Beurkens. “We shine this
huge spotlight on the problem instead of putting the spotlight where it
needs to be, which is things that we want to happen and what we want to
see more of.”
According to Mosback, saying things like “no” or “stop” won’t correct a bad behavior because a child, especially a young one, may not know the correct behavior or expectation. They must be taught. Using positive reinforcement teaches that correct behavior, increases self-esteem and improves the likelihood they will repeat that behavior.One option is to create a rewards chart with a clear explanation of expected behaviors. To correct a specific bad behavior, Beurkens recommends rewarding positive behavior in 15-minute intervals — they’ll receive a check mark for each block of time they behave well. When they do well, slowly increase the length of time.
According to behavioral psychologist Elliott Jaffa, positive reinforcement requires speaking without using no, not, isn’t, didn’t, don’t, couldn’t, or any “n apostrophe t” word. I strive to do this, but it’s a work in progress.
On the day I interviewed Jaffa for this story, I described my morning. My daughter accomplished everything in her first group of tasks except brushing her hair. She walked downstairs with the hairbrush, placed it on the kitchen table, and began to eat. When her time was up to receive her first reward, I explained that because she didn’t brush her hair before 7:20, she didn’t earn her first 15 cents for the day. But, I said, I knew she could earn the next reward.
Jaffa shared how I could have handled the situation better.
“First,” he said, “you did the damage with the word ‘didn’t.’ Next time, ask her, ‘What is that in your hand? How does it work? Can you show me?’ Ask questions to avoid saying she didn’t brush her hair. Every time she comes up with the right answer, you have an opportunity to say, ‘Great, that’s perfect.’ You set her up for three to four positives in a matter of seconds.”
Link to article: https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/2018/12/10/i-pay-my-kids-get-dressed-do-homework-more-its-best-decision-i-ever-made/?noredirect=on&utm_term=.6c9f077ba011
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